my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
