There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
