My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
