if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
