i would punch a child for taco bell
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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