Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
And he claims I gave him “fuck me†eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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