I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
jump out the window naked night went bad
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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