I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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