Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
