I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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