I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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