I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
