you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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