i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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