pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
