i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
