What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
