Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
