drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
