i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
