If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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