alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
