He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
