Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
we made out on top of his cat.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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