God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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