used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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