my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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