he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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