Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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