When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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