So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i need some magic done to my vagina
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
