I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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