"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
