I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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