I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
