I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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