we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
