I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
