I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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