How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
