Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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