Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
another moral hangover. fuck.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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