I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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