I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
