Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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