I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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