Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
send nudes
from the living room?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
