my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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