I accidentally had phone sex last night
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
this is an emotional support booty call
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
