her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
