Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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