I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
