PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
