Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
